“How is it strategy?”
It is a totally valid and universal human experience to see ourselves doing something over and over again, knowing it does not align with our long-term goals and values, and yet still feel powerless to change it. Whether it’s one too many drinks (or other substances) too often, dissociating into a video game or social media for more hours than is effective, or showing up in conflict in ways that run the risk of damaging the relationship - at one time or another, many of us have had an experience like this. You may even feel like a helpless passenger when the behavioral urge starts to emerge, like a part of you is crying out “No, stop, you know better!” and yet finding yourself halfway down the too-familiar path anyway.
One thing about behavior is that is reinforced - and that doesn’t just mean getting a reward for doing a “good job.” Behavioral reinforcement is complex, and even if a behavior we engage in gets a negative response - a partner or loved one gets upset with us, for example - there may be other factors contributing to the behavior persisting. Additionally, behavior has an origin story - and often, that origin is related to strategy. At our most basic level, we are organisms seeking safety and survival. Even if a behavior appears “unsafe” on the surface - self-harm for example - in some way it is almost certainly a survival strategy. This perspective shift can allow us to de-stigmatize our understanding of our own behavior, laying fertile soil for the compassion that is necessary for both acceptance of the present moment and choosing a different path.
Consider this invitation over the following week. Maybe you find yourself raging at another driver on the road, or eating more than your body actually needs to be fueled - in the pause between urge and action, consider asking yourself, “How is this strategy?” Our highest self may know, somewhere deep down, that doing this thing is not aligned with any of the values on our own personal moral compass - in that moment, though, survival is taking precedence and access to that higher-level thinking is not accessible. Finding this pause, and asking this question of ourselves, may help us slow down and open the door to further understanding, change, and choice.