“But you can’t-”
Yes, they can.
We have all experienced incredulity or disbelief at someone’s actions - the actions of someone we love, or maybe someone we don’t know that well at all. And many of us have probably further had the experience of telling people in our lives what they “can’t” ever do again. For better or worse, the other person absolutely can do whatever it is they want or choose to do, and us telling them they “can’t” will not stop them. In fact, it may imply or foster a power imbalance we do not want in certain relationships - those we have with a partner or close friend. Just because someone does something we do not like does not mean we have the right to deny them their agency.
Stock image courtesy of SquareSpace
Clearly, very few people are intentionally trying to take away someone else’s agency when they tell that person what they “can” or “can’t” do. It’s a reactive response, one informed by emotions ranging from surprise to outright anger. It can be difficult to accept that people we have relationships with may hurt us, and a lot of folks have had the experience of relationships ending once there is a rupture. Burning bridges may be necessary when a relationship is actively destructive; alternatively, it can be deeply healing to have reparative experiences after a rupture. This often looks like some level of discomfort as all parties involved are invited to reflect, own their side of the rupture without shame-based blame of self or other, and make a commitment to one another to change the offending behavior moving forward.
Stock image courtesy of SquareSpace
By telling someone what they “can” or “can’t” do and sticking to this stance unwaveringly, we are inadvertently closing ourselves off to reparative - and, yes, at times uncomfortable - new relational experiences. If we approach conflict with a willingness to be flexible - rather than a willful attachment to our own sense of righteousness - we can cultivate deeper intimacy with those who matter to us. For more thoughts on this, see the boundaries webinar hosted earlier this year by myself and colleagues Kelsey Wilson, LCSW and Rhaea Goff, LCSW, LCSW-C.
I hope it goes without saying that the thoughts here may not apply in all dynamics, especially when abuse and safety issues are present. If the situation is intense, then we may need to raise our intensity in setting our limits - saying what kinds of behaviors we absolutely will not abide. The thoughts in this post are more so reflective of times in which we may need to consider down-shifting our intensity to create space for possible repair and resolution.